The journey to healing is one with no end. Every time you take a step forward through the pain, the overwhelm and the confusion, another moment is remembered, another part looking to be healed. Eventually you get to a point where you can look back and see how much you have healed. It almost feels like you’re looking back at the memories of someones else’s life at times as this person you see doesn’t resemble anything close to who you are now. People around you will remind you of who you once were though, some are not as ready to let go of that person as you are yourself. It takes huge strength to stand anew, rebuilt and to love yourself when others crumble around you out of jealousy, fear or their own insecurities. It can be hard when other people can’t be happy for you when you are finally finding this unmoving happiness within you. This peace in knowing that when big things come along you can handle them because you have conquered so many things in your life. It is also the knowing that life is going to throw more things at you that you will have to go through and heal from.
Ten months ago I was at the rock bottom of my life. I allowed myself to be torn to pieces by a man who claimed he loved me. I felt shame in this because I saw myself as a strong, intelligent and independent woman when in reality I was codependent and looking for someone else to fill up the parts of me that I did not love about myself. It is hard to look in the mirror and realise that you can love everyone else so strongly, that you can give so much to them and lift them up, all while this constant voice plays in your mind tearing yourself to pieces in ways you would never speak to another person. It is because this voice was playing in my mind, reprimanding every imperfection, that the man I was with even stood a chance at me noticing him and then allowing him full access to obliterate the majority of who I was. Looking back now I can see how important that was for me to go through. To be on the ground sobbing, devoid of everything except this tiny flicker inside of me that told me to just keep going. I clung to that like I have never clung to anything in my life. I begged and I prayed to be held and loved in any way possible and to give me the strength to be able to do that for myself.