The Toxic Cycle of My Thoughts

Lynda Claire
7 min readJul 11
Photo by Leah Kelley: Pexels

I get caught in these thought spirals and the sad thing is all they do is hurt me. They end up in me feeling this intense anger that I have no where to send, with me feeling worthless and insecure. I can see them coming and I know I should stop them, sometimes I do, but the majority of the time I allow the spiral to begin until I’m in a state of tenseness and despair. The question is why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I want to punish myself in this way for the things others have done, are doing or might do? Why can I not just know that I’ll be okay within myself even if someone hurts me? Why do I still not fully trust myself?

I got burned, really badly, in my last relationship. The damage he did and the depths it went to is something I’m still discovering, and that in itself makes me angry. I hate him for what he did to me. For how he took the love I wanted to give and instead made me feel like I was absolutely nothing. He made me feel like my body was worthless, that his desire for me wasn’t really for me but for all the other women his gaze lingered on or his own self pleasure was fulfilled by. So much anger at how I now look at the men around me and how they view women, to see the smallest similarity to him trigger me so badly that I shut down and loath my body. I have healed a lot but when it comes to intimacy and sex, I haven’t even scratched the surface.

My hands still shake when I’m dealing with confrontation or potential hurts. My eyes still look anywhere but at the person I’m talking to because once upon a time looking into someone’s eyes meant that they held the power to overthrow me. My stomach still clenches and my digestive system shuts down when I feel unsafe. My mind is still hypervigilant, untrusting and perpetually worrying. I have worked so hard to heal and I really have healed a lot, yet here I am with these feelings still in me, still torturing me to the core of me, making me want to lash out in anger to those I loved. I want them to feel the pain I am feeling, to see the hurts they have caused me, to understand how their moments of selfishness that are long forgotten to them circle my mind daily. I struggle so much with the concept of forgiveness and moving on. A conversation will be held, things will be resolved and I’ll think I’ve moved passed it but as the days and weeks pass these thoughts start to arise and…

Lynda Claire

Seeking those moments of magic and trying to capture them with words. Exploring my depths. Living on an island at the bottom of the world.