The Toxic Cycle of My Thoughts
I get caught in these thought spirals and the sad thing is all they do is hurt me. They end up in me feeling this intense anger that I have no where to send, with me feeling worthless and insecure. I can see them coming and I know I should stop them, sometimes I do, but the majority of the time I allow the spiral to begin until I’m in a state of tenseness and despair. The question is why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I want to punish myself in this way for the things others have done, are doing or might do? Why can I not just know that I’ll be okay within myself even if someone hurts me? Why do I still not fully trust myself?
I got burned, really badly, in my last relationship. The damage he did and the depths it went to is something I’m still discovering, and that in itself makes me angry. I hate him for what he did to me. For how he took the love I wanted to give and instead made me feel like I was absolutely nothing. He made me feel like my body was worthless, that his desire for me wasn’t really for me but for all the other women his gaze lingered on or his own self pleasure was fulfilled by. So much anger at how I now look at the men around me and how they view women, to see the smallest similarity to him trigger me so badly that I shut down and loath my body. I have healed a lot but when it comes to intimacy and sex, I haven’t even scratched the surface.
