What if This Is Me?
I feel like this concept of finding myself has been etched into my mind for so long. That if I read enough books, go on enough soul searching adventures and reach a certain point of happiness, then I will have found myself. Life will be complete. Cue the happily ever after. The thing that I don’t like about the concept of being someone I have to find is that it disconnects me from this present moment. It makes me feel as though my life isn’t really going to start until I have completed this all important mission. It makes me wonder who this person is that is going through life interacting with others, chasing dreams, working hard. Sometimes I feel as though I’m sitting back just watching myself go through life. Taking in all the small details of how someone is looking at me while wondering what is real about them that they’re desperately trying to keep hidden from others. I’ve reached the point where I’m not hiding anything. Someone asks me a question and they get an unfiltered answer. This is partly due to exhaustion, partly due to just not caring what they think and partly due to being fed up with having to water down experiences that have been awful to make others feel comfortable. Is this ever truthful, raw and blunt person the real me? Have I found myself? Or am I still out there somewhere?
I know I have a lot of healing to do. I know this because for the last week that restlessness has returned so…
