What if This Is Me?

Photo by Roberto Nickson from Pexels

I feel like this concept of finding myself has been etched into my mind for so long. That if I read enough books, go on enough soul searching adventures and reach a certain point of happiness, then I will have found myself. Life will be complete. Cue the happily ever after. The thing that I don’t like about the concept of being someone I have to find is that it disconnects me from this present moment. It makes me feel as though my life isn’t really going to start until I have completed this all important mission. It makes me wonder who this person is that is going through life interacting with others, chasing dreams, working hard. Sometimes I feel as though I’m sitting back just watching myself go through life. Taking in all the small details of how someone is looking at me while wondering what is real about them that they’re desperately trying to keep hidden from others. I’ve reached the point where I’m not hiding anything. Someone asks me a question and they get an unfiltered answer. This is partly due to exhaustion, partly due to just not caring what they think and partly due to being fed up with having to water down experiences that have been awful to make others feel comfortable. Is this ever truthful, raw and blunt person the real me? Have I found myself? Or am I still out there somewhere?

I know I have a lot of healing to do. I know this because for the last week that restlessness has returned so intensely that I pace up and down, not knowing quite what I am meant to be doing. An ever present itch screaming through my veins as I wonder if I’m succeeding or failing at life. If these precious moments are being spent well or if a week has just gone by in a blur where I don’t really remember anything. I have moments of clarity where I know I’m doing the best I can given what my mind has been through and then moments of insanity where I think I crave physical touch from a lover so badly that maybe those moments of abuse were worth it because at least I had that. My entire life up until I ended my relationship seven months ago was in the pursuit of love. I switched that pursuit to ‘finding myself’, to being the best version of me, to healing, to becoming. I’ve dug around deep in side and found a whole lot of parts that I’ve given myself a good telling off about, a bunch I’ve justified because they exist out of a need for survival and a pile that I keep circling and just don’t really know…