When Your Happiness Makes Others Uncomfortable

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I spent a long time in my life not only being unhappy but being pretty much nothing at all. I was numb and shut down after more than a decade of increasing abuse and isolation. So numb that when my mother passed away I couldn’t even grieve her loss. So numb that I don’t remember a lot that happened in those years of my life because there are no emotions attached to them to bring up the memories. So numb that I can see the dullness in my eyes in photos to the point that the woman fakely smiling looks like a complete stranger and someone I don’t identify as ever being. When I finally burst free of this abuse and began to crack myself open to feel and hopefully heal, I ran right into an even worse abusive relationship because I so intensely craved love and the words he spoke made me feel that I was loved. That is until they didn’t.

In this relationship I hit more than rock bottom. I still wonder about what long term damage the amount of anxiety and fear I was living under has done to my body. I wonder if my mind will ever function in straight lines instead of jaggered ones as I get triggered and my mind spirals back down to survival mode. I’m learning how to bounce back faster from that mode though, I’m healing. I worked so hard to heal. I sought help from multiple counsellors and support groups, I turned to friends and family, I began to write again. I started to peel back all that I was told I am and began to live as who I really am. I dropped shame around a lot of aspects of myself that others had commented on as being too much, not enough or just wrong for me to fit into their idea of who I should be and how I should live my life. I delved deep into these parts of me that brought a lump to my throat and made me want to scream, that caused me to pace up and down my hallway as my skin crawled. I couldn’t focus on much else as I forced myself to sit with these feelings instead of suppressing them or distracting myself with movies or social media. I didn’t allow myself to jump into helping other people when they didn’t need it as I had done before. I began to say no to things and I found my confidence again.

Those months where I lived in fear of someone harming me, laying awake listening to every noise, checking each room when I entered the house with my phone in my hand ready to call the police if I found someone there…