When Your Happiness Makes Others Uncomfortable
I spent a long time in my life not only being unhappy but being pretty much nothing at all. I was numb and shut down after more than a decade of increasing abuse and isolation. So numb that when my mother passed away I couldn’t even grieve her loss. So numb that I don’t remember a lot that happened in those years of my life because there are no emotions attached to them to bring up the memories. So numb that I can see the dullness in my eyes in photos to the point that the woman fakely smiling looks like a complete stranger and someone I don’t identify as ever being. When I finally burst free of this abuse and began to crack myself open to feel and hopefully heal, I ran right into an even worse abusive relationship because I so intensely craved love and the words he spoke made me feel that I was loved. That is until they didn’t.
In this relationship I hit more than rock bottom. I still wonder about what long term damage the amount of anxiety and fear I was living under has done to my body. I wonder if my mind will ever function in straight lines instead of jaggered ones as I get triggered and my mind spirals back down to survival mode. I’m learning how to bounce back faster from that mode though, I’m healing. I worked so hard to heal. I sought help from multiple counsellors and support groups, I turned to friends and family, I began to write again. I started to…
